Surgeon Generals Warning:    You are about to discover what goes on in Nicole's head. Please be aware that she is not responsible for any difference in opinion this may cause you to have.  Also, she is not responsible for any headaches, nausea or sexual side effects that may occur from reading this page.

See Also, my My Live Journal

Hope you enjoy, I dont really know what to call this. I just hope it doesnt scare you too much!!

8/5/02 - I talk about friends a little later in this little essay thing... but i was thinking.. friends.. You know who your true friends are... but do you really know who ISNT your friend? What is the difference between just a regular friend and a best friend...  Maybe I expect the people I'm around the most to be just like best friends to me.. But often this isn't the case.   You know you're always there for your best friends, and they'll do the same for you.  Some people, however... are more parasitic than others.  Yeah, they're great to be around and so much fun.. but I feel the need to have something more.  I need to be close to people in order to trust them completely. There are people... "friends".. who know they can count on me but I do not feel that I could count on them.  So my main concern lately has been "Are people who dont reciprocate what you do for them really friends?" .. and... if a situation came up where you might lose this so-called friendship... would you really be losing much, if anything? Don't get me wrong... I love all my friends and am so glad to know all of them.  But it just boils down to "is it really worth it?" ... I suppose you never know the true value of something until you lose it.  ... but you have to first determine if you are willing to give it up in the first place.

6/6/02 - Just a random thing I got to wondering today... is there more pain at the end of a life, than there is joy at the beginning? I would hope tthere would be more joy.  Babies and watching them grow is such an amazing thing, that lasts forever.  While the scars of the loss of a loved one do last, I think they heal... but seeing little ones grow up can never get boring.

One thing I've learned is that family isn't biological.  Family is whoever you hold dear to your heart.  Family includes those people who you can call any time of the day and know that no matter what you're going to feel refreshed, welcome and at home...
Now home... there's a word I have difficulty finding.  Often times when somethings really bothering me I hear myself saying "I just want to go home" and I'll be in my own living room or bedroom.  Now where is home if I already am there? I suppose that's something I'm going to have to find somewhere along my way.  

I can't express how much my friends mean to me.  You all know who you are.  You are the people who have listened to me while I was complaining, made me laugh when I was crying, and all of that other totally cliché Hallmark shit.  But for real, my friends mean the world to me.  Probably it's because that throughout life I haven't found many true friends.  And I hold each and every one of you very dear to my heart.  I support my friends in whatever their heart's desire.  As long as they're happy, I am happy.  I accept all of you 100%, no matter what.  I'll be here for you any time day or night.  That's what friendship is all about.  

I try my hardest not to judge people.  I don't know what it's like to be them so I have absolutely no right to say anything about what they're doing or belittle their thoughts, dreams and opinions.  I'd hate it if someone did that to me.  I try my damnedest to accept people for who they are and what they're about.  And you know, it is hard when you see people doing really stupid shit with their lives but when it comes down to it, I'm just glad it's not me.  I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and that's really all I should be concerned about.  

And in the same respects, I like to be myself.  It's so good to just let go and let yourself be yourself.  I know that especially with people in my age group, it's for people to do.  When it comes down to it, everyone's opinion really doesn't matter to me.  Yeah I may get a little insecure about this or that but who doesn't?  I know that the people who REALLY matter know who and how I am.  And that's a really good feeling.  Advice to everyone: Do YOUR thing... no matter what it is. You'll be so much happier that way.  Don't let people's opinions skew your view on what you really want.  When you find what you really want, go for it.  But if you're not willing to work for it, and face the challenges life gives you, then you don't really deserve the thing which you want.  Everyone, read the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  It's an amazing book. It seriously helped me evolve so much as a person. It accurately describes how I see life and how it should be lived.  Amazing.

Let's go to religion.  Yes, I believe in a God. Why? Because I feel it.  Hard and lengthy for me to describe, I'll let you all get in touch with me if you really wanna hear it.  It's some good stuff. And yeah, okay... no bitching. When I want to listen to a preacher, I go to church. (And thats practically next to never) Once upon a time I lost a friendship due to differences in the opinion of religion.  It  wasn't really a fun thing.  Just someone who didn't want to accept me as-is. And I wasn't going to put up with that.  So it boiled down to not being my idea of a friendship anyhow.  So, it no longer exists.  

Anyway, a thought just occurred to me.  I love giving advice right? (Right) SooOooo, this prolly isn't going to work but if any of you need some advice on ANYTHING, or just someone to talk to, I'll most likely be around for you to vent to.  And, if you want to send me an e-mail Dear Abby style, maybe I could put the e-mail somewhere on here and answer it for all to read.  Email Me!  If you do, please subject the e-mail something like 'Nikki I read your website and i want advice!!" And yeah, it'd be 100% anonymous so no one would know who you are. :)

Which brings me to another thing... I am soooo trustworthy. I know it sounds like blowing my own horn but I think it's pretty damn true.  I am open to hear anything anyone wants/needs to tell me. And believe me, I've heard some pretty intense stuff.  Oh, you've never heard anything like that about me? ...Exactly! So seriously, anything.  I'm up for it.  

You know what else is fun? Meeting people! Any people. From anywhere. Well, most any people. Sane, non serial killer type people are normally the best kind to meet.  I dunno, people intrigue me.  Everyone is different but yet so similar. I love it!!

A recent observation:    Actions speak louder than words.  This is soo true.  Someone can say something, but it really means nothing until its proven/followed through with.   When it comes to emotions/relationships especially.  Personally I'd rather be shown something than just told it.  You can say what you wish, and it may or may not be true.  So I may or may not believe you.  But really, it means SO much more when you show someone you care, rather than just telling them.  ...yeah...   "if you're gonna talk the talk than you gotta walk the walk" right? Right.

Anyway, I guess I'm done... for now.  

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